...And a Happy New Year

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning

but a going on,

with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us."

- Hal Borland

…We glory in tribulations also:

knowing that tribulation works patience;

And patience, experience;

and experience, hope:

And hope makes not ashamed;

because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts.

Romans 5:3-5

The preceding quotes, one Biblical in nature and the other not, are good food for thought no matter your religious or non-religious affiliation as we plunge ahead and into the brave new world that 2012 has to offer.  For me, the past two years have been largely dominated by my mother’s illness and then her death.  When I think about good times without pain or worry my mind drifts back to 2009 and earlier, all together bypassing the last two years.  But in reverent reflection this bypassing is really a disservice to me and my mother’s memory.

Truly the footprints of the last two years have left deep tracks.  But this is not to say I didn’t learn or grow in a way that will aid me throughout my life to come, and it is due in large part to the “tribulations” of the recent past.  Patience, experience and hope were gained as was a new perspective on life and the things that really matter – and those that don’t.  These were all virtues my mother exhibited in spades and was forever quietly and persistently (and often unsuccessfully) trying to pass on to me.  It is fitting that our experience together in the last two years of her life planted these seeds so deep in my heart that I will continue to learn them in her light long after her passing.

And yet I know I still have much to learn.  As I take the “wisdom and experience” of these past two years onward from this point and full steam ahead into 2012 I also take all the good of my mother.  All the love, kindness, devotion and wonderfulness that she was and will always be to me.  I will strive to follow her lead and leave behind the sick and frail physical form she became.  I understand that the journey ahead is still a treacherous one fraught with emotional sink-holes, but I have hope “and hope makes not ashamed” to stumble, to cry, and to get back up and go on.

The love of good friends, the support of kind family, a healing faith and hope in the face of adversity were some of my mother’s most cherished tools in getting through life.  As I continue to learn the true worth of these things I look forward to 2012 and beyond.  

Happy New Year to all indeed!

Photo Book

Click here to view this photo book larger

Turn your favorite photos into a photo book at Shutterfly.com.

A Dry Spell

In a song by Paul Simon there is a lyric that reads "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again".  And so it would seem that everyday of the past month or so has found me visiting the "darkness" in my life.  The empty void left in the wake of my mother's passing.  I realize it has been over a month since my last post.  I have hit a proverbial "dry spell" in my creativity as a writer, and really, pretty much everything else in my life.  Time seems to be passing at two different speeds.  Some parts of my life are on fast forwards while others are in slow-mo.  Most days I feel like I can't make headway on anything no mater how hard I try. 

"But these times they are a-changn'" and I am distantly aware that "this too shall pass".  At the best of times it seems a frantic and ever pressing reality that she's gone forever, never to be truly experienced again in this life, in this world. I must be content with all that she has left behind.  And in retrospect that's no small treasure.  I am forever reminded of the many gifts she left this world.  Her art, writing, friendships, and wonderful memories are just to name a few.  And me.  Some have said that I "am her greatest work".  I don't take such a bold opinion of myself, but there is truth in the fact that I was, in a way, one of her "works".  I was certainly the object of her affections and attentions for the last 32 years of her life.  A truth that has reminded me more than anything that I should love, respect, and appreciate myself more than I often do.

In the pressing darkness that seems to consume my mind in the quiet times of the day I try to remember the good times and the things I loved so much about my mother.  Her smile, her humor, kind hart, wise advice, the list could go on and on.  The rude hand of time will continue to drag me along from one day to the next but that's alright.  I reckon one of these days it'll drag me out of the darkness...

Out with the old…A time for giving

First off, I’d like to say thanks to all those who were able to make it out to the Memorial last weekend!  We all had a great time, some good laughs and some good tears.  And that’s really what it was supposed to be all about.  Celebrating the wonderful woman my mother was – pure and simple!

Unfortunately what seemed to be a perfect weekend in many respects came to a not-so-perfect end for many folks living in and around the greater Austin area.  I know wildfires have impacted this great state throughout the summer.  But Sunday, September 4^th the fires got too close for comfort for many.  I was driving toward Bastrop on that Sunday afternoon and watching, with many other motorists, as the horrific picture unfolded. The beautiful pine forests of Bastrop going up in smoke.  The sky was black and the wind was doing its best to spread the smoke and fire far and wide.  It was one of the most horrific things I’ve seen and the closest to a natural disaster-in-progress I’ve ever been.

The following days brought news of several friends and co-workers that had lost everything they owned.  I am proud to say that I work for an agency that shines brightest in the darkest of times by coming through for one another like an extended family.  The philanthropic out-pouring from co-workers trying to help those affected by the fires has been nothing short of awe-inspiring.  Suddenly there were so many with nothing that needed help, needed homes, needed stuff, and most importantly needed hope.

Somewhere in the dim recesses of my mind a light bulb clicked on.  Stuff?  Hope?  I have stuff!  I have lots of stuff!!  Could my stuff really fuel someone’s hope?!  And then it hit me.  Not my stuff…Mom’s stuff.  Of course if she were here she’d argue that the 10x15 storage unit is full of “my stuff now” but…How perfectly fitting that the woman who, monetarily speaking of course, always had so little but yet always gave so much continues to give after her departure from this physical world?  I know this might seem silly to some to take it to this level but it really moved me!  I was delighted to be the instrument through which her stuff gave other people hope!  

And in the process of going through the “stuff” I found myself moving just a little further through the grieving process.  Letting go of physical stuff helped me let go of mental stuff. The 10x15 is not empty, nor is the space in my mind where my “mental stuff” regarding my mother’s death resides.  But it’s a little less cluttered.  Still a long journey ahead but progress was made through an act of kindness and compassion.  Proving that undoubtedly, though tragedy and loss may fall upon each of our lives, a helping hand – be it from within or without – will be there to help us rise from the ashes.   

At Home on the Farm

How many of you were told at one time or another in your youth that your favorite pet, relative, or even play-mate has departed from your midst to “go to the farm”?  Only to find out in later years that “the farm” as they called it was not all you had it cracked up to be?  Or was it?  This is the question I’m left pondering on a significantly deeper scale as I consider a dream I had this past weekend concerning my mother.

First off, let me say I embark on this description of my dream-state experience not to provoke any heated discussions of “after-life” or the varied religious beliefs that typically accompany such a topic, but simply to share with you the experience itself.  As this blog is intended to discuss all things related to my mother I thought her unique appearance in my dream a fitting topic.

So, sleeping peacefully on a Saturday night my thoughts turned to a setting of a farm.  Now the drought conditions in Texas this summer have reached some pretty serious levels and I’ve been watching all forms of vegetation and life bake in the 100+ degree weather we’ve had for the last 3 months or so and this was reflected in my dream.  The farm was dry and rather desolate.  I found myself walking along the main road away from a small farm house along a wire fence.  Suddenly a panther approached from the other side of the fence.  I looked down and I had a garden hose that I understood was my means of defense.  I shot a fast stream of water at the large and very fierce looking cat that retreated immediately.  I then begin to walk back to the house, hose in hand.  As I did so I began to notice several smaller, less fierce animals approach the other side of the fence looking longingly at the hose.  So I stopped and gave them a drink.  Each animal took the hose and greedily lapped up the water.  These were animals that didn’t really go together.  A chimpanzee, a fox, a raccoon, a deer, some birds both flying and flightless, a small group of grazing animals that looked to be of African origin.  All perfectly content to take a turn at the hose I was holding.

Suddenly my mother was at my side walking down the rode with me as I was finishing watering the animals.  We begin to discuss what I was doing and then it dawned on me that I was really taking to my mother.  I begin to cry and ask her why she had to go, why she’d left me.  She calmly explained that this was the way it had to be and that it was just her time to go.  She said several times that she was fine and that everything is alright.  There’s nothing to get upset about, everything is fine. 

It was at this point I realized that I was not talking to the frail and feeble woman that had left me on August 1^st, 2011, but a strong, healthy and whole version of my mother from possibly 5 years prior.  She was beautiful and was even wearing a favorite outfit, purple (maybe black) jeans, tennis shoes, a t-shirt and her favorite red Hawaiian shirt as an over-shirt.  She looked great!  Her voice was strong and clear, clearer then it has been in any dream I’ve had of her since her passing.  She had control of her response and actions and was decisive in her diction and tone, more so then I had seen her be in some time.

As I realized this I stopped crying and began to believe that she was right, everything was alright and that she really was fine.  As this new realization dawned on me a flood of curious questions came to me.  “How are you doing?”  “What are you doing?”  “Where did you go?”  “What’s it like where you are?” Etc.  I never got to ask them.  It was as if someone had hit the pause button on this dream and suddenly I could see myself sleeping.  I was conscious of my surroundings but for just a moment not able to wake.  Just to watch myself sleep.  Then I woke up.

The meaning of this dream?  Well some might say it’s obvious.  Some might say I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.  And others might find deeper meaning yet.  At any rate, I’ll just say I had to add a little Vodka to my OJ on Sunday morning!  

Penny's Farewell

My mother was not only a talented artist but also had a gift for writing and story telling.  While digging through some memorabilia and family photos last night I ran across this poem she wrote in 2005.  In 2005 she had been working for Lack's furniture for several years.  This poem is some insight into a "day on the sales floor" with her contemporaries.  I believe "Penny" was a designer that contracted with Lack's to come in periodically and "spiff up the place".  I could be wrong.  If there are any of Mom's former associates from those days reading this you can set me strait.  I'm sure everyone will enjoy this but those she worked with at the time will probably get the biggest kick out of it.  Just for clarification if you don't know, an "UP" is salesman speak for a customer.  And without further adieu...

The showroom is gleaming, the “poppers” are bright,

Mr. Lentz put balloons for the next sale in sight;

The sales folk arrive, get their coffee, and chat,

Check back orders, straighten, and do this and that.

Now it’s just before ten, on the furniture floor,

Take your places!  We’re open!  Ben’s getting the door:

A payment, another: “Good morning!” I say,

An hour and no UP; this could be a slow day –

Carolyn knows where to find cheap stuff that’s nice.

Deb-O will offer nutrition advice

About protein and calcium and L-carnitine.

Jackie’s floor job is on step seventeen.

Everyone’s happy that Chris is now gone,

Tell stories about him and things that he’s done.

Rey & I talk about fish nights at Furr’s;

Diana would rather have fast food for hers.

Charles’ favorite sport is dissing George Bush –

And also he likes to make the girls blush.

But we turn the tables on things that he’s said;

And sometimes it’s his turn to be turning red –

The reps may bring snacks and will visit with you;

Some know all their stuff and some don’t have a clue.

Kim brings in her guinea, Michelle brings her pup,

That’s all very well, but where’s that next UP?

Ben sells the gold and he does it with ease;

Ann’s stalking the sale, if not stung by bees;

Tracking the customer, killing possums and snakes;

She’ll bring home the bacon with sales that she makes.

Jim’s made a big sale and he’s beaming with glee,

A houseful of stuff and a big-screen TV.

Britt’s thinking he’d rather be playing guitar,

Jackie knows furniture, learned it at Star.

Hector is new but he also is old,

Knows the ropes, knows we are bound to be told:

“Sell the Club!  Sell the Gold! Sell, sell to the max!

As Ray will remind us, “IT’S A GREAT DAY AT LACKS!”

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and

        endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;

             To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child,

              a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you lived.

                This is to have succeeded.

-  Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have posted this quote as the first blog on this site because it reminds me of so many things concerning my mother.  Although I'm not sure to what extent she endured "the betrayal of false friends", I'm sure she truly succeeded in life in so many ways.  The part of the quote about leaving "a healthy child" behind really touched me.  Since her death many have told me that I was "her life" or "her best work".  Of course this is not something I would have ever said about myself but it is nice to hear others perspectives.  And that is, in fact, why I've created this blog.  It is my hope that all who visit it will share some tid-bit of their lives that they experienced with my mother.  Something that they loved about her.  Something that made Debora Hildreth a unique and special person in their lives.  Thank you all for taking the time to share!